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I am Walter White in Breaking Bad. Nobody gives a shit if I come or go, as long as they get what they want from me. I am alone.

My brother is only my friend when I have something to offer. In every case, he'd rather side with our cousin Justin than ever support his own brother. Example: right in front of me, Justin invited Brad and Dustin to dinner and the casino. Later, I said "thanks, I don't really want to go." Brad's reaction was not "hey, you're welcome to join us," it was "fine, go home and cry about it." Brad also said to me once that I'm not worthy of being his best man in his wedding, because "what have you ever done for me? Jason has always done more for me than you have."

My sister accepts me, because I am her brother. Otherwise, I don't hear from her unless she needs something. That's the case with pretty much everyone who knows me.

My mother loves me, because she thinks I am an overachiever and that I'm nice to people. I've always been expected to be more mature than I am. Granted, my mother went through Hell to provide for us, and I love her for that, but mothers typically do love their children, so this does little to fill the hollow void.

My fiance uses me. I pay for everything she has, except for her car, which she pays for, so she can get to work, so she can afford to own the car. In the eight years she's lived in my house, she has paid two, maybe three bills, and those have been cheap utility and cable bills; not a single mortgage or other bill that matters. She used to pay her portion of the cell phone bill, but she doesn't even bother to do that anymore. Instead, she once spent $400 on an iPod, $200 on a birthday present, $400 on a Christmas present, $500 on a cruise. Occasionally, those gifts are for me; buying my affection, instead of showing an ounce of actual love by contributing to our financial well-being. But much of the time, those high-priced holiday gifts are for her loved ones, because she'd rather waste her money on shit that people will forget than on being a responsible member of this family.

Speaking of family, now I have a second dependent, a baby daughter, who I love with all my heart, but unfortunately this beautiful new being has made me resent my fiance even more, because now I have a third mouth to feed, body to protect and shelter, and another person's health to insure.

I bend over backward for all of these people, and what do I get in return? I don't get invited out when Brad, Justin and Dustin go to dinner and to the casino. I don't get invited to any events from friends, because I don't have any friends of my own. Instead of making friends, I'm too busy working my ass off to pay for all of the above. My "best friend" went behind my back to advise Becky to get a secret credit card to pay for more school debt, on top of the almost hundred thousand dollars Becky already had in debt. They explicitly agreed in a Facebook private message to keep it a secret from me.

Becky doesn't want to pay off that debt. She'd rather keep racking up compound interest of an additional thousand dollars a year. She'd rather spend 14-15 years in school to get a degree in Social Work, so she can chase her dream. Why don't I get to chase my dream? I'd love to make $30K-$50K as a graphic artist, because "I don't want to make a lot of money." But that's just irresponsible, especially if I want someone to marry me and have children with me. So instead, I'm now the sole provider for our retirement, and our daughter's education, and the way of life that Becky has gotten used to and takes full advantage of.

Then there are my work "friends," who are such because I can help them in some way. With the exception of two people who genuinely sought my friendship and have nothing selfish to gain, the rest could give a damn if I came in to work the next day or if someone else filled my shoes.

Then there are my Facebook "friends." I check Facebook constantly, because for some reason, I feel I'm going to receive some sort of dopamine-driven reward that feels like affection. The people closest to me always give me crap about how much I'm on my phone, instead of letting me have that one artificial good feeling in my life.

The only people who seem to have a genuine appreciation are my niece and nephews. They get excited to see me, they want to play with me when I come over, they want me to download online games and play with them, they want me to take them snowboarding. I barely can bring myself to do any of those things with them, because it feels so hollow and empty to only be appreciated by people who aren't even half my age, that it physically hurts my heart to spend time with them. I resent that, because I should really want to spend every minute with people who actually love me. I constantly watch a 2003 video of Trent making pretend cupcakes at three years old, and it makes me cry, because I barely acknowledged him. He just wanted me to make cupcakes with him, but I couldn't. It breaks my heart.

Speaking of my heart. The stress lately is causing severe heart palpitations. I have trouble catching my breath. I have so much pain in my back from either stress or from the grueling work on the two houses that I am trying to make a home for my family, that I'm worried I won't be able to play with my daughter when she's old enough, I won't be able to run around the yard with her, and if it continues to progress, I won't be able to stand up long enough to dance with her at her wedding.

These things make me sad.

Sometimes I daydream. I think about just quitting it all... walking out of work one day, driving somewhere and never coming back. Is everything that I'm working for really worth it? Am I really building a future for myself or is it all for those who expect me to? Now that I have a daughter, I'd never walk away, but my mind still eats away at my soul about it.